I Will Fix My Broken Pen

May I just reblog this one. Randomly reading back the author’s articles then this caught my attention. Now I really feel her. Not because we are in the same situation but because I just could feel a little now of how she must have felt while she was writing this. Weirdly, I am all the more inspired haha.

Yzagada

The Irony The Irony

Confucius said, “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” I chose my current job for this main reason but unfortunately such is not the case. I feel deceived.

I realized that when I write just to write, I am happy. But when I write because I am required to, it feels oppressive.

This is seriously breaking my heart. Crumpled papers and broken pens (or make that blinking cursor on an empty page) have become familiar sights recently.

Writers have blocks. But this is not it. This is more like a flare reduced to an ember and then an ember that’s doused with water. Yet I refuse to believe that the passion’s gone. A true love can never be gone.

This is me convincing myself that it may just be the work environment. That the idea of being tied…

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Alive yet dead, but one day you’ll live again

She can go on living despite feeling pain, hearing pain, and embracing pain. She wakes up each day with the hope that everything will be alright someday, somehow. And she continues with her chores. Never minding what had transpired for her to be feeling lonely, alone and desolate. Maybe, it’s a product of poor judgment, of bad decisions, and immaturity.

What had society done with her that she sticks with all those etiquettes, philosophies and morals. Unshakeable.

REPLY, SELF OF THE FUTURE

Dear me of the future,

Hi! I’ve been wanting to write this stuff to you to find out how you are these days. Maybe you are now in year 2030 or 2040? Are you still alive? I mean, are you still living? Or could you be…?

I’m not sure what you’re thinking but maybe you’re not in the mood to be reading something like this. But maybe you also want to peek at what you’ve been thinking in your early 30’s.

Let me fill you in with the following.

  • At this very day, you have already reached past 31 years of existence. You have three kids, with two boys and a girl. The girl is very cute and strong! I could say by how she fights her second brother every time they show their love with each other going physical and all. How they love to box each other!
  • You failed to finish your master’s degree yet you felt more liberated from the requirements they asked of you in order to graduate. Back then when you were supposed to enroll your thesis, you withheld just because you still lack appreciation and respect for some things. How you were so ignorant and despiser. I admit to many misgivings and wish I was more prudent, thrifty, and diplomatic. These, I really wished. But maybe because of my arrogance on not seeking our Father back then. Today, I seek Him every time! How about you now at (year 2030 or 2040 or so)? I hope you are reminded of your obligation.
  • I recently obtained some voice to write about things I am inclined to write. And although I lack so many aspects of this craft, I still find time to pen my thoughts, emotions or whatever there is to ruminate about. I found help thru other women and friends who were ahead in knowing how to express themselves and also some other virtual friends who succeeded in persuading me to write. I could mention them here but I know you would always remember them. How they inspired you to write and think and write again. Let me know how you are right now, this year 2030 or 2040. How is your writing? Are you still writing? Do you still find your voice every now and then? Have you tried pursuing something with this craft? Or are you still dreaming of your Math and all? What do you love now? Is it Math? Or the arts? Or is it both? At this time, I’m still seeking whether this is okay or I am just having some detour or maybe I just do not know what I really want or I am just lazy and unknowing… I could sit all day, dreaming of writing my life away, of being a hermit, of being with myself and only myself. But woman! I never thought of this before, before engaging myself or giving in to my earthly desires or uncalculated actions which led me to a roller coaster life right now. Going back first to my masters, I still wanted to pursue it but I just can’t seem to see myself taking any course because at this point I already acquired lots of debt, in kind/in cash, which I would be paying off in five years or so. For a living, I am currently teaching. I love my job, I love the stress that comes with it. But most of the time, I could have been the hermit. Maybe, you know what I wanted to say. You know me! You were me, remember? Or are you an entirely different person now?
  • At least now you are doing better than usual with home chores. You wash clothes more often, maybe 2 to 7 times a week. You do the dishes every so often when needed. You fold clothes and sweep the floor. You plan something for home decoration, which you forgot doing since you started your math life.
  • You are thinking of holding the soil as hobby in the near future when your daughter is a little older that you can find time. You love the soil like a farmer. I just wish I will be able to really do it. I will do it. I will.

So now that I told you these, maybe you could answer the following questions for me…

  1. Have you read all those unfinished books? Were you able to understand the authors’ hearts?
  2. How are your friends, Kureil, Stun, Bham Bham, Shan, Nida and Nida, Kulisty, Margie? (What corny names! Hihi! Joke lang!)
  3. Do you still prefer ‘safe’ words whatever that means? Or you expanded your vocabulary? Are you not lazy anymore to choose right words and wait for correct timing? Because as you know right now, you seem to always say the wrong words at the wrong time and at the wrong place. Hehehe!
  4. And your voice, have you found yours? Hopefully!
  5. Are you still fat? Or maybe fatter? huh! You’ve got to be so indulgent with coffee and unhealthy habit you picked from somewhere. Your brand now is Great Taste (White Caramel). Are you back to brewed? Or maybe you stopped coffee-ing?! Haha, I can’t imagine you cutting back on that.

Reply, self of the future!

YOU ARE IN CONTROL

You keep blaming others why you seem to have no say over your life. At one time you waited ’til they’re gone before indulging on your favorite drama. You’ve been wanting to fix your room but you worry that others might not like it. You pick your dish but hesitate because of your ‘poor’ taste. They might get angry when you speak because you have no ‘credibility’ or whatever.

Girl! You’re not living your life! Who cares about your flaws? The simple answer is that no one cares about them. Or maybe, no one, until you let them see. All you have to do is try and change your approach on how to assert yourself.

Of course , you also need to consider other people but you need to make sure that such considerations are healthy for you and everyone else. But if you feel like your desires or wishes are being suppressed then it may be an indication that there is something wrong. And believe it or not, it is mostly you who/which is the problem.

Don’t get me wrong. This is not to say that other people are not factors for your messed up life. I am just trying to point out that you could also do some experiment, take the sunnier side, support your wishes, and stand up for what you believe.

It’s you and no one but you can decide who will rule your life.

Choose–you? or they?

Still, we have to choose Him.

I LIVED MY LIFE SO SIMPLY THAT IT BECAME TOO COMPLICATED

I was too complacent and I got ahead of myself saying that living simply is more than enough for me.

That is, if only I lived like that from the beginning to start with. I know I didn’t. I went back and forth. I exceeded what I can’t pay, in kind or in cash. I went over the minimum. I did what I couldn’t do. I promised things I couldn’t fulfill. I gave my heart but I took it back then gave my acting to someone else.

But I got tired and started yearning for simplicity…

I believe that living simply in its purest sense won’t complicate things ever. But I had this distorted notion of what I’d been doing and I deviated away from the real meaning of simple living.

I will forgive myself this once knowing I messed up real big. It’s okay. I will try my best. Really do my best to sort things out. Moving forward with renewed zeal and vigor.

I will dedicate my life to take that simple living again.

Daily Blog 7/25/2020

Dear Self,

Let me be tired today. Let me feel the pain of this body. Let me feel exhausted from the demands of life. Let me be angry and ugly.

Let me shout. Let me sing. Let me pray. Let me indulge with the food I like.

Let me feel good even if my house’s a mess. Let me feel beautiful even if I’m fat. Let me fulfill the promises I made.

Let me feel guilty and guiltless.

LET ME LIVE.

It’s A Woman’s World

Banter Republic

Looking at the world through the lens of a woman must be something. Women aren’t always moody, she’s on her off day for putting up with your shit. You see, for a woman, love is the whole history of her life. In a man, it is but an episode.  Don’t try to understand women. Women understand women and that’s why they hate each other.  And say what you want about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six-hour argument takes talent.

Of course, women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time. It’s a thing of the mind. A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s and that’s only because she changes it more often. I think they also feed the ego of men when they pretend to not be able to open a jar. Because when you’re ‘play…

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Daily Blog 7/24/2020

It occured to me, or rather, I realized how I am not taking control over my life.

I wake up each day, worrying about how others would react if I mess up.

I tend to always revert back to being a people-pleaser instead of realizing my goals, be it short term or long term.

I complain that I could not fix my house the way I wanted to. I fuss over things but only up to that since I don’t act on what I believe I should do.

I read a lot of materials but I can’t seem to decide on what to believe, on what to hold on to, on what to follow or obtain as my guide.

I go back and forth, never seeming to stand still even for a short while.

The iron is not my hand and the cup is not of what I prefer.

I let others decide…for me.

I always postpone the day that I have full control of the things I need to have control over.

If not today, then when?


P.S. 1: This post is a little different from how it should have been written. I regret not typing this morning when a smooth flow of thoughts showered my mind. Still, nice try for this day.

P.S. 2: Much as I would like to have perfect grammar and flow, I just won’t be able to come to that since I have my terms and conditions for this blog series.

P.S. 3: Even though I told myself to try not to explain the behind chu chu, I still can’t avoid it. Hehe. We will come to that, yes!

P.S. 4: I feel glad I showed up today.


And you, how are you today?

Daily Blog 7/23/2020

Let me blog a little earlier than usual although as usual, my working space is messy. Nevertheless, I tried experimenting on a better position for my desk. I moved it from our living room to the unused room of the house and at least it gave a little mood boost for writing. Also, the new room is just right for me since I prefer not to be bothered when I write.

Some changes I made to how I do things are waking up in the morning just at the right time (or I mean the normal waking time), sweep the floor, boil water for morning beverage with my little ones, tidy up the mess I could, and look for combinations we could have for breakfast just to have something to energize us for the day.

I’m meaning to pick up from last time I feel like, “Wow! I could write!” And writing even just a few paragraphs each day would be helpful.

Here goes my words for the day:

“Go wander into the wonders of what you can do! Believe and you shall see!”

My Good Good Night

‘I sit at my desk while my eyes wander into the…

UNWASHED PLATES.’

Hehehe.

Gotta wash them before I sleep.

This kind of incident happen too many times into infinity when you thought you are done for the day but even after all the very hearty dinner, you have that responsibility to fulfill afterwards.

But, yes! It’s part of the recipe.

Daily Blog 7/22/2020

I don’t wish to write for the sake of writing but this I must do. The reason why I must? I don’t know. Maybe to take advantage of my assumed break from work.

It’s just liberating and I feel excited whenever I think of blogging.

This month my little girl is turning 1 year and 2 months. Maybe I would wait 2 more years before I can finally have a whole hour straight on my blog. More years and I will insert writing short stories in my sched. I’ve already started doing it in my mind.

I will capitalize on this newfound passion.

How about you? How are you during these days?

In the Corner of My Mind

Alys in the storm

I miss the times

when I could kiss the fog,

and the corners of my mind

would wonder beyond.

In the days when,

I felt the rain,

and all the corners of the world

would dither in a mess.

I miss the times

When the wind caressed my solitude,

and the corners of my heart

would flutter at the shades of its warmth.

I miss the times

when words were but sounds,

played carefully, on the tips of tongues

and spoken with truth and thought.

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THE POOR WRITER

I’m just but a poor writer

No fancy words to use

No long stories to tell

No rhyming to boast of.

Just with me is a passion and an ever ending desire to produce.

Yet I slack of, and don’t study most of the time.

And so I will still be the poor writer, no matter how much passion or desire I have with me, till I find courage to change and accept the reality that must be faced if I wanted to become better.

I refuse to take advantage of the help I receive from others. I take some but lose most of what I get. I lack plan, I mess up. Just always lamenting. Never working my ass harder.

In remaining a poor writer, I witness wars here and there. At the bottom or at the pit of my stomach, at the top or the highest point on my head, at my feet, and my periphery.

But those wars will never end I know. Because they will continue to argue like those blind men from Indostan.

So, yes! I am the poor writer.

And I will always tell it so like this.

Still I know that I might, at some point, not be the poor writer, which I use to tell myself.

Why You Shouldn’t Have Kids

Global warming. If you’re still trying to have a child at this point, you’re rooting for human extinction. We’re in a pandemic, don’t create another pandemic. If you hate doing laundry, that’s a clear sign you shouldn’t be considering it. Why would laundry exceed more than one load per week? Look in the mirror. Do […]

Why You Shouldn’t Have Kids

Feeling Good Despite Looking Out of Shape

As I look in the mirror, I see, not a fat ugly lady, but a woman with a happy and contented soul. So contented that I could die but no, I won’t just yet. Just exaggerating a little. Of course, there is still that desire to look fit and slim but I could always work out on that later on, when, maybe, my little ones are a little bit older. Nursing and you-know-whats took their toll on my physique that I can barely compare the me-now to the me-before. But hey! It’s part of living the life!

The Pause

I paused for a moment (actually days or weeks) to consider if what I’ve been doing was worth my time…

My musings have proved to be detrimental to my newfound hobby plus the new side hustles I do in order to help me with my blogging escapades. So I declined the offer of my cynic self to just disappear into oblivion. I just can’t. For what reason?

As the many sides of the self continue to argue, the fingers, once again, took courage and boldly moved to type.

(I’m Going Home, I’m Going Home) Wondering Why/How Travelers Get Awesome Realizations

This morning, I opened my Facebook account to find out that I was tagged in a post. And this is just one of the types that would halt me from whatever that I was doing and since I share the same sentiment with the author of this composition, I just feel it would be a waste not to share it on my blog. So going home it is… Going home… Going home…

“Sunday, what a beautiful day. I woke up refreshed after knowing that I would finally get home and see my wife and daughter. I skimmed the book that I was reading hoping to get a few inspiration. It was not a religious book nor a Bible. It’s a book with several essays on it – on travel to Calcutta, London, New York, and some occasional literary reviews on books and authors. I read through some pages, put it down and pondered. The author’s words, exquisite!”

“I sometimes wonder why people who travel a lot developed a sense of maturity with how they view things. They developed a certain insight so deep it would pique your interest and make you ruminate, ‘How did he ever arrive to that awesome realization? ‘ If travelling opens our eyes to possibilities, to see the tiny details of the universe and the magnificent loom of God, then perhaps, I should start packing my bag and head to a wonderful journey. Travelers have gone through places, experienced cultures, met with different kinds of people. They tasted several flavors and basked at different types of weather. But on top of all of these, they suffered devastation, of rejection and failure, of loneliness and boredom, feasted on joy and sexual freedom, possessed by wisdom and knowledge until they settled down and found their way home. Only then, they started writing. Only at home. Not in other places. Home.”

“Thus, I am packing my bag once more, full of memories and experiences, of mistakes and heartaches, of myriad colors, of various notes, and unto the new chapter of the book I am making and towards a new insights about life. I have not gone to places, but I have gone through life.”

“And this time, I’m going home.”

Leomel Pasquin

Blogging Mantra

It really is interesting how this particular blogger can keep his audience for long and I am one who has been a regular to his blog site.

A recurring theme I’ve found on his blog is his mantra of punching the damn keys. And so I thought I would create mine as well?

After all, the essence of blogging for me is having some platform to express my soul.

So here goes…

“Type unless you’re asleep!”

If I could explain this, I mean, I should focus on my writing whenever I have the chance to. Trade offs include watching television, chitchatting, sewing, and many more.

Really we never know. So here I am, at around 11 pm, thinking about writing. And reading of course. And doing the act.

Yummy!

We are All Weird

TóTómel: Tilling the Nascent Philippines

weird_eyesWell, some things are normal; others are too bizarre by relative standards. Some things are good; others are evil. Yet, also, there are things that hit the point of normalcy. While others step towards the bi-polar (extreme), others are too comfortable to stay in the middle. Isn’t that weird? The varieties, the multitudes, and the differences of things are like jigsaw puzzles where a single amorphous slice is mustered with the rest to form a single picture.  So with much oddity, we claim this jigsaw puzzle as the world we live in.

You might  wonder what suddenly prompted me to write about this. Let me tell you what has dawned on me yesterday while doing my survey in the northern municipalities of Iloilo.  In the long range of the national highway, I saw a motorcycle running on its own towards us.  I wonder how a ghoul could hold such speed…

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Of Books and Reading and Me

For the likes of me who keeps two phones on her table, a laptop and a netbook, reading has never been that smooth since I have to check my social accounts, punch the keys on my laptop while I occasionally switch to the ebook I have been reading for a year now. But I always regard reading a must do, always ready to pull it out to read whenever.

Mind you, I read all the introductory parts, the foreword, preface, prologue, or any other fore part there is to read. I love investigating first the background prior to the writing of the story.

Here’s some disclosure: It’s true, I have not actually read yet the book of Soren Kierkegaard, ‘Either/Or.’ I am still at the prologue part. But I always put it behind my mind to read it when I can. When I am not sleepy, or lazy. There really is something in him that drew me close to his profile. (See you in a while, Soren.)

I don’t really read everything word per word, sentence by sentence. I just run my eyes until I’m done. But I’m not done by the way, I go back and read again after I already knew the story. Weird right? But that’s how I read. Until eventually I have memorized every conversation that hooked me. I say it out loud when I’m alone. I do lots of monologues, internal talking. Intrapersonal sort of things. And I enjoy it a lot.

Sometimes, I cry.

Sometimes, I weep.

Sometimes, I laugh.

Sometimes, I don’t understand at all.

But all those books… They kept me company. One way or another. I get to assume roles. I can be as intelligent as I can imagine, or as elegant as I wish, as slim as I can dream of.

And I can always read all the books that I like. Provided that google has decided to give it out for free. Or that’s just how I put it. Of course, it all depends on the publishing company or authors, not really google.

The best part in reading is that you have things to nurture in your mind while you do the pressing house chores. Those that you read become part of your system. And thanks to that… I can almost finish every work in my home rather mindless as thoughts just, you know, wander thru.

But for tonight, I will have to delve deeper into the book I’ve been reading for ages now. And hope I can get to the bottom of it. I really like to know ‘its story.’

Ode to Farmers, by Leomel Pasquin

Nothing is more relaxing than to sit beneath the shadow a huge tree and enjoying the scenery of a vast rice field before sunset. Men started to emerge from paddies which they tended to the whole day. Along their paths were verdant grasses that shyly sprouted in greetings for the dawn of the rainy season. More than the beauty itself, I started to recall the themes which fascinated Amorsolo most and became subject of his quest for realism. I’m glad that he was solely engrossed with the gaiety of farming and the people involved in it rather than the injustices that these people suffered which did not merely bruised them economically by being perpetually tied to the land but also morally by regarding them lesser than the bourgeois. Whatever his purpose is, the same thing remains abound: that whenever there is a titled land, such can never be free from atrocity or hostility or depicts myriad for of injustices. Land and blood remains as formidable requisites to a legal title.

Having no land to till on my own, I imagine myself transported back to the 60s where an acre of it would cost you about three thousand pesos or less depending on the agreed price between the seller and the buyer. If there is only a way I could go back, I should have been doing the same thing as of those men who walked in pack on their way home. The only difference is that I’ll be doing the land which I personally own and not of somebody else’s. I might have also listed myself as one of the migrants to the south and exploit the land provided by the government to use and farm.

Back in 1960s, it was in these years that people were inclined to have a job in the city, and farming was considered an inferior endeavor which only suit those who hadn’t gone to school. Those who took their chances in the city were relatively better economically compared to those who till the land —well, except for the hacienderos and illustrados who had vast titles over them but which they possessed solely by virtue of their influence and political clouts. They did not even had a hand on the land itself and their attachments were primarily confined in their thirst for profit. This kind of practice was very common during this time and I could only picture out how my grandmother would refer them as “pinanginbulahan” or fortunate. Most of these people were educated in law or engaged in other businesses and see themselves as elite, or someone we used to call “sosyal” before the very term assumes several meaning in subsequent years. And because they know better than anybody else, applied titles to the land they did not even have any roots or history. That’s how things work back then. You get to have a piece of it if you have the edge in knowledge and you have money to exploit in exchange of for intermittent emancipation from poverty of the people.

It was also during these years that my mother was born. Expectedly, she is one who thinks education is the only way out of poverty, thus compelling us to take a long way to school everyday. I am grateful for her nonetheless because I get to explore our little library in our meager elementary school. I came to know things like dinosaurs and why people need to wear undergarments. It was her that showed us the possibility of possessing knowledge and how to use them to advance one’s self above others. While I believed it for the long time, a part of me still desires that success does not only mean getting a good-paying job but also helping other understands the value of uplifting those who are around you. Because most of the time, success is not about an individual quest but of collective teamwork, of getting things done hand-in-hand.

And yet, I am still thankful of education because it is through it that I discovered farming as a noble profession. In fact, it is the noblest profession one could ever think of. In Japan for instance, farmers are regarded with high respect and the government give subsidies to them. They are not only seen as the foundation of a good country but a conduit of the spirit of the earth and of human race. Unlike in our country where a farmer is used as a premise or a benchmark to compare economic status. An ordinary child would often look down on a person with a shabby clothes and stains of mud in his body than a person who wears a plain white clothes and a pricey sneakers on his feet. Or between a doctor and a farmer, people give much regard to the former. That is just how it is, and culturally we are made to look it that way.

But things are changing. With the dawn of social media, people like me and many more came out to share information of the benefit of farming and the importance of farmers. This could not been more true than this moment when we all face the biggest challenge that shakes the foundation of the world – socially, economically, politically, morally and spiritually. This is the time that we need the farmers better and that we need to give them the respect they ought to have long ago. Because no one more deserving of our respect than the one who silently feed us everyday. It’s not the landowners, it’s the farmers. And it is the only way we give them justice for all the tears and blood they shed in tilling the lands just to keep our dreams come true.

Today, I remember my grandmother who used to bring me to the garden where the chili were red and the coffee blossoms smell good; I remember her in the scorching of heat of the sun smiling down on me and telling me, “You have to plant to eat, and you have to eat in order to go to school. And no matter where success may take you, you will always go back to the land you till and that is how you pay respect to those who came before you.” My grandmother was never educated but she has the wisdom rooted in experience, and an essential lesson taught by the very soil she cultivated.

June-ing in to More Posts

Bravo! Congrats to us because we have stayed longer than we bet! As busy as we are we are still able to steal time to write and ponder or ponder and write.

A lot more to learn!

And to post!

Cheers!

Making Time, Taking Time, Owning Time

I’ve been wanting to devote a whole day for reading and writing and now that I’m finally having the chance, I’m making time for it.

I’m taking my time and owning it.

When you’ve been nagged at for so long, you would know this is a freedom of a kind. And you can’t help feeling being freed to do whatever you want for so long as you can.

Things we should suspend for the time being would be overindulging, procrastinating, and putting off momentum for something one could do.

So drafting would be the thing for today. Let’s see if we would be able to publish some already. I may not hit the publish button just yet for a week or so. I’ve told myself there would be no routine in my blogging mantra. I’ll publish if I will, not yet if not yet.

I am thinking of carefully penning down my thoughts for what they really should be, and see how they will go.

We’ll be closing the drain and removing ‘delete-reflex’ for the time being.

So how’s it going with you?

5/24/2020

As I continue with this blogging thing, I have yet to ponder whether being here is the right thing to do or not.

Currently I am a teacher in Math but funny how I spend my time trying to read and read and read about writing and the like. I also keep creating rhymes in my head.

I don’t know anymore if this is just a long detour or just some psychological behavior I am not aware of.

But, hey! Just blogging! Thank you for visiting my site! I’m delighted! Comment, like, share. But please, don’t be too kind. I love argument for the sake of it. Just realized it. After all, I try to live up to this blog’s title.

SNAPPING OUT FROM UNCALCULATED ACTIONS

We make mistakes and most of these are rarely deliberate or planned.

Just a few maybe okay but always sulking or suffering from these over and over may not be the most recommended scenario if we were to live just a modest life.

They say the greatest glory is not in ever falling but rising every time we fall. But what can we do with rising if we were already broken to begin with? The damage is done. Money is lost. Relationships turned sour. Can one stand again, do things just like the way they were, bring back lost relationships and spilled milk?

Well, if we’ve already made lots of mistake then we can only do so much to cope or heal from whatever unpleasant things brought about by these.

Yes! We can always devise ways to not make lots of mistakes. And this may lessen injuries, physically and emotionally.

Admit it or not, in one way or another, we all are our creators of our own situation. That is, most of the time.

Correct me if I’m wrong.

Tidbits on Language

I suppose so.

TóTómel: Tilling the Nascent Philippines

fuzzy_conversation

A sudden silence in the middle of a conversation suddenly brings us back to essentials: it reveals how dearly we must pay for the invention of speech.
Emile M. Cioran

Is it my right brain or the left brain that’s functioning within my skull? I don’t know exactly because I must admit that my mind is not as sharp as others’ for I still have an inadequacy of mastering any language. So much more with my style, simply because I am not adept in constructing right phrases or choosing appropriate words for my sentences; and with all of these errors and poor English usage, I usually get a bad remark from my girlfriend. Naks!

In the current situation, it is a formidable fact that one is adjudged by the predilection of correct sentence constructions. With vicissitudes and inconsistencies, one may flunk from the standard of languages and be scorned publicly…

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Be a Bridge

So you’ve finally arrived. And you thought, Ahhh… Was that it? Is that all there is to it? Is it really that simple?

Then you lift your head, while your eyes wander back to the place where you came from then you see someone trying to figure out as well their way to the destination.

Now you remember all the hardships you went through. The questions you asked. The things you wished you knew. The gratitude you felt when someone helped you. What you promised to yourself when time comes.

It’s easy to talk now that you’ve achieved what you’ve been dreaming all along.

But you have to decide: Go immediately to the next? Or become some bridge first that helps?

And So we Continue

Moving on, we have to slow down a bit and think about the reasons why we write. Would it just be to express? To walk someone thru something? To inform? To rant? To flex people, books, pictures, words? Is it out of hobby or to earn?

I tend to forget the reasons for my directions and I’m just so indulgent at the very moment to try to be consistent with what I say now and before. I was scared for a bit that moment I divulged on Facebook that I’ve been stealing chances to post on a blog site.

One reason might be because I’m not really the type to go public with my thoughts and deepest aspirations. More so publishing things on the internet. As one might have depicted from my previous posts, I’m not the pro in this field and I am simply taking a long detour from whatever destiny that awaits me. Not that I’m defensive but really, I was not schooled formally for these kind of things save the few lectures I attended back in my high school days when we outsmarted our teachers into being selected for competitions on journalism. Back then, I was honestly not into this type, writing.

But there is just this magic that is created by the prospect of blogging that now that I’m on a go for it that I should grab any momentum that will propel me to discover whatever reason I can have for doing this.

And so this continues.

Be Wary

We read for the purpose of gaining inspiration and lessons. But the act does take something away from us as well when we become so absorbed by what we read. So be careful.

Use an umbrella when it is raining, or put on coat for that matter. Shield your hands if you are to hold a hot pot. Use some cushion if needs be. And when reading or browsing from the internet, always be with your wits and confidence and don’t be shaken. Unless you are to fall for the better side.

Be wary in letting yourself be swayed by anything. It does not do you any good to be swindled out of your last ounces of inspiration. Don’t let it get to you.

Always believe in yourself, on what you can do, and what you can offer. Don’t let others tell you otherwise.

SLOWING DOWN TO REFINE PURPOSE FOR POSTING ONLINE

As I go on with my blogging activities (reading, writing, networking), I realized that there is more to it than just earning or exploring the platform.

It’s a great avenue to think about thinking and to realize the things that one is most inclined to write about. To tell you, I jumped right out of desperation to launch this site, somewhat blinded by the prospect of earning a little. But slowing down, I come to recognize the importance of having a purpose in doing something.

People read no matter how they seem not to, so there’s just no way for the ‘don’t care’ attitude as it would be like undermining many things all at the same time.

Anyone who posts online do so for one reason or another.

It has come to light that I wanted to write all along but this passion has been million times overshadowed by my very own self branding. I failed to see before that beside one’s main meal could be side dishes. And thinking further, the side dish could actually be the only dish that one can eat and he/she still could be healthy. But I won’t ever give up on my main as a form of respect to what I’ve been given. And to never waste whatever is already on the table.

I believe that I’ve felt so alone over a long time. Not that no one bought my stories but there’s just a difference when one can lay down first all her stories, her colors, her side of the truth, and everything before someone else approaches for thoughts or any other comments. So with this platform, one can be liberated from many many things.

To live up to this blog’s title, I can only write so much about life and goals and realizations but from time to time I will insert videos and random thoughts or stories.

One form or another, the purpose is to share or give a little of oneself. I still can’t give up on the ‘I syndrome’ as I think this is what I will be having on my blog for the first few months but I believe that I will be transitioning to a more pleasant writing experience (and so for my readers).

Please allow me to take this chance to express my heartfelt gratitude to a certain someone who did not hesitate to encourage me despite my doubts and cynicism. The short story for how I came to know this someone (such an honor) is that, my cousin, (pretty, beautiful cousin, ehem!) who was to take her pre law exam at that time, came to our house to seek my expertise in my field. And while we were catching up, she related how this Sir could write very well and good that I could not help but ask for his Facebook account as I was very curious and eager to know more about him. So there, we sent a friend request to him. As inquisitive and vocal as I am, I did not have a second thought into approaching him (messaging him) and our conversation just somewhat developed naturally. We maintained constant messaging up to this point that I am now writing (blogging) and since he was experienced in this thing, I received lots of tips on how I should go on with mine. It may just have been his talent (maybe skill) in raising a cult of writers that he was able to let me get my hands typing (I tell you, as cynic and doubtful as I was). And so I wish to thank you, Sir, if ever you are reading this post, and best of luck on your review (for the upcoming BAR exams).

The Portrait of a Writer

Cristian Mihai

Photo by Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash

“Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” — Ambrose Redmon

I began writing in my most vulnerable years. I was dumb and arrogant, as most teenagers seem to be, and I did my best to pour greatness into every sentence I wrote.

But I was also lying to myself, writing about what I didn’t know, pretending to know, and I got caught and people could see that I wasn’t willing to let them in — I was building this wall to protect my true self from anyone who would be searching for it behind my words. There was nothing that belonged to me in the stories I wrote.

There’s this poem by a Romanian poet, Mihai Eminescu. It’s called To My Critics, and the last verses go like this:

It is easy to write…

View original post 1,694 more words

5/18/2020

Because I’m assuming my role as a mother! Tentententen, nanananananana… Mmm mmm mmm mmm…

Denisse’s teeth may be cutting through and she’s a little bit sick if not much.

Hopefully we’ll get some hours of sleep tonight.

Just blogging!

Monday is already acting up. And Tuesday? Kindly be good to us.

That One Prayer

That one prayer, I knew, changed things for the better.

It may have been a well-wish for a person, a whisper of hope, or a random good thought for another.

If each one does this, then imagine the whole world rejoicing! We could have prayed better than for this ‘thing’ to occur.

Collectively, our hearts’ desires determine what will be.

We will not be sad, but perhaps do better, wish better, hope better, bearing in mind that that one prayer will change things for the better…

Closing this Sunday with a prayerful heart.

I wish you well.

With love and compassion,

Zerlin (your struggling hermit)

Realizing Life Goals

I decided to take a detour instead of going straight to my destiny. If destiny is what it is called, the thing I wish to reach.

Here I am without that much but I know this much is enough.

Even a little could be many, if magnified by how we see it.

I’m coming here to know more, to realize my life goals.

So I will be saying good night. Indeed a good night tonight.

In Short, Money Motivates

I will go straight to the point and tell you this.

I am continually blogging nowadays for the sake of having more revenue. I blogged before but was too timid to go out into the open and the drive was just too weak. But then I went broke, almost bankrupt, so I’ve decided to look for ways to at least ‘add’ money to my pocket. Or perhaps, have more for my bills and all.

I badly needed extra income that I didn’t care anymore about what others would say. In the first place, were they there when I needed help the most? Were they able to help me during those very very difficult times? No, not really. Their sympathy was just not enough to get me through during those times and so I eventually conceded to being more practical rather than the idealist that I was back then.

I learned that money motivates me more than anything else.

I know it was just out of desperation to say that and there is a deeper philosophy to what I wish to point out here but it’s just beyond me to elaborate or support.

There’s so much more to explore in this newfound hustle and I’m not taking any dollar for granted. One dollar, two dollars, three… four… However big or small I will get my hands typing.

5/12/2020

And yes! After my post yesterday, Remembering Promises, I became quiet enthusiastic in doing my ‘work’ as a teacher. Actually, a facilitator. All the eagerness come from the students, and help will arrive to them if they seek it. So today, I answered queries and questions. Quiet fulfilling, if you ask me.

Remembering Promises

Please allow me to write this post. Ignore the redundancies as I will be saying quite a lot of similar words or phrases over and over.

Few years back (2013) I remember how I asked rather desperately for a teaching job. Back then, I recall how I promised lots of things the moment I landed a job at a university. I begged Him to give me that position and I will do everything in order to secure it and keep it.

I knew how it felt to be cast away from something you always wanted. I was not given a second chance for the job I had back then. I know that was the reality of it all and I shouldn’t take anything personally. I know that full well. I believe I was so young and innocent back then about almost everything that I almost didn’t know anything about what I was doing. And so I really did promise myself that once I secured the position I was applying for back in 2013, I will do my job very very well. With passion, with all that I have, my expertise, any good quality I possess that I could capitalize on…

And for God’s grace, I got the position! I became the happiest ‘child’ on earth. I immediately went shopping for formal clothes, studied really diligently the history of the school, I consulted dictionaries, googled things I wished to understand more, and so on. I went to the final interview and I felt very good with all the compliments I got from Ma’am Nene. The school became my ‘therapy’ and I genuinely felt very happy everytime I entered the university.

Then again, major events continue to change our lives.

Year 2016 came second baby boy.

Fast forward to 2019 came baby girl.

In a matter of few years I became a mother of three.

Then life hits hard at times that I just wish to run away from everything, from work, from adulthood, from financial obligations, save being a full time mom for my baby (and her older siblings). I know, I know, I know. I know that these are all part of life but still, I feel very emotional at times. I would shout at home, throw tantrums, become really violent, and so much more to mention.

I went through a rough cycle of this and that. Only I knew what I was feeling.

But God is so gracious that I was continually pulled back from oblivion to the path of life.

Everytime I forgot, He makes me remember.

Everytime my feet diverge away from the right way, He modifies my formula.

And everytime I wish to run away from everything, He knows just what to do.

Now, I am regenerating, if not renewing, my enthusiasm that I had from the years back and I think it is high time I really lift all my worries to Him.

He alone can solve all our troubles.

He alone can make our problems go away.

I will remember all the promises I’ve sworn to myself during those times I was asking for ‘that’ position in the university I am working now. I really really need to feel that ‘something’ which I’ve always felt during my earlier years in the school.

Let me remind myself that I love my job ( I really do) and nothing could stop me from doing so. Not the demons of these times. Not my hubby, not my children, not my indulgence on the easier things, not my self-proclaimed what-you-may-call-it, etc.

I will revisit the child in me and bask in the pureness of her motives during the times she was just that and just dreaming.

I will renew what needs to be, regenerate what may have been lost, and remember all the promises I’ve said to myself to keep.

DEAR GOD,

I have never asked for these kids but you have given them anyway.

Things just happened the way they did and so here I am, sometimes lost, sometimes bewildered…

It feels like everything that I do is never enough for them and even I admit that I have never been anything good with regards to rearing these youngs.

And so I ask these things so I may be able to at least do something right in being a mother of these children. Help me, God.

  • Keep them away from my anger, so they may be able to take refuge somewhere else safe;
  • Don’t allow them to be impoverished by laziness, over indulgence, pride, overspending, and the like;
  • Refine them from being boisterous, loud, and proud;
  • Guide them daily, so they may be able to discern wise from unwise;
  • Let them befriend wisdom;
  • Help them learn cleanliness and orderliness;
  • Make them appreciate all the simple things in life, that they may take a break from gadgets, televisions, and many more; and
  • Last but the greatest, take care of them and make your word and glory known to them, but never testing them, only delivering them from evil as was said in the formula prayer that you taught your disciples, Lord.

These I ask of you, my Dear God, my saviour, my provider, my everything.

Amen.

P.S.: Have I ever thanked You, Lord, for giving them to me? Thank you for these little ones. Them three (DEXTER, DAVIES, DENISSE). Sweet little creatures who came from my womb (2011, 2016, 2019).

Can someone be less than another?

Can someone be less than another person? Certainly, we have seen this over and over as others have taken pride in having positioned themselves one or more places over others.

And I could not understand how they are able to function still even after putting others below them, even behind them. Are you that happy?

Do you really thieve your way up at the expense of the oppression of others? Oppression, I say, but you do not see this. Why not? But isn’t it? It’s in one form or another and this is just one way to do it.

Can’t we be more modest and kind in projecting our so bright pride so that we may be able to give way for others to shine a little at least?

What will you get anyway from climbing so high that it might either be fearsome to look down once at the top or horrible to fall from a certain height?

But that is on you while I’m just here doing nothing. Just sitting… Writing, only to mess up at the middle or at the end. But that is on me.

WHATEVER!!! Go and renew your credence.

It Could Be Worse but I Wish It Was Better

My definition of happiness? Just a good book, a strong coffee, and lots of gadgets beside me. I will read, sip my coffee, search for terms I’m not familiar with, search some more for book reviews, check my email, my messenger, punch some keys.

I am not complaining that I don’t get to realize what I am saying above and I know it could be worse but I really wish it was better. And no, I am not trying to sulk. I am actually trying to figure out a way to come to terms with my situation. But then again, as indulgent as I am, I am too lazy to plan my day so let’s just say, I was just wishing. Hehehehe.

Good night from the Philippines to your country. I really hope to visit USA someday! (If the world permits! If my right and left brain exchanges hemispheres!)

Tired but Inspired

Yes, tired. Very very. But this voice nagged me into, “Write something! Just something!” And so I’m gonna type but we’ll keep it short. Yes?

So are we just gonna scold someone today?

Whichever part on my head said to stop all these, woe to you as you are always the sulky one. Don’t you believe there’s a better way to help other than putting off all the fires that burn within? Didn’t you know it took us so long to gather the courage to come here? If in case you forgot, we almost went crazy for having no one to talk to. Not because no one believed us but we just didn’t want to do it “that” way. So kindly keep still while we configure the many things that we needed to do. Okay?

There you go, little voice. I’ve said something already so can we now rest?

“Aha!”

Freedom. Finishing. Friday: Blogging Challenge from M – F (MTWThF)

Hooops…! Is it Friday? Not yet! So can’t I post this? Hmmmm… Is there a reason not to?

Now I realized how much freedom I should have had inside the classroom as compared to the online platforms that we use just to get by for our home based learning. The interaction is very limited. Or wait… I guess excuses at this point can always be made but at the same time can be exchanged for better alternatives.

It goes to say that freedom can either be seen or covered depending on the person. So if you think you don’t have the means, think again… It’s either you are blinded by your excuses or your eyes are clouded with all your worries and negativities. Me, not excluded! Maybe you just have to keep looking. We all should! Agree? Or agree? The choice is yours!

P.S. 1: Now I’m done with this challenge (whatever!) I don’t think I will do this ever again. I know myself better to be doing something like this. I’ll just post whenever I feel like posting. So no pressure. Okay, self? (Tone inspired by Sir Leomel Pasquin. Whatever you did to this mind, Sir. K, bye!) Hahahahahaha!

P.S. 2: I am not pleased with my choice of words and the grammar in this post but whatever. Let me not mind for this time. So should you. Hehehehehehe! Can I make an excuse? Can a Mathster be excused please? We always write Mathematical equations so sometimes our writing skills aren’t very good enough. But I am improving. Yeah! (Pats self. Hehehehehe.) I am not being defensive. I am just defending myself. Oooops? Are they not similar? Hmmm. BASTAH!

Thoughts, Thoughts, Thoughts. Thursday Thoughts: Blogging Challenge from M – F (MTWThF)

THis feels like so obligatory that I am losing the appetite to write this post but I have to since I challenged myself last Monday and I have to continue until tomorrow.

My writing as of this moment feels like being up with eyes closed. And yeah, I have to keep going. What else?

A while ago, I browsed through Cristian Mihai‘s and his post about civilization (read about it here) then through beetleypete‘s. I am not sure why but every time I read other people’s blogs I begin wondering how similar our thoughts are and that wow, they just put them to words like effortlessly while I’m here struggling to describe mine. But that’s okay I could manage just the same. I am not belittling my writing, I am just recognizing the talents and skills of others. And yes, they are good!

You know what? It really is not solely dependent on our intelligence or whatever. It will all boil down to whether we will do it or not. So here I am, inspired by whatever there is to be inspired about. So I’m not gonna drag this post any longer. Hehehehe. Just blogging!!!

West, Wish, Wait. Wednesday W’s: Blogging Challenge from M – F (MTWThF)

Who said I forgot? No, not yet! I still wish that someday I will be able to visit the west. I always imagined the glamour of the place and I might just go there.

I am glad that once in a while, I am reminded of my childhood wishes and fantasies. Which also meant I have not given up yet on doing something more with my life. So my ‘huts and shadows’ will have to be suspended for the meantime, whatever I meant with this. Hehehe!

What had popped to my mind as I read cowboy pocketbooks back then when I tried so hard to read and digest my father’s Louis L’Amour’s, what I felt, what I imagined… I wanted to realize those, compare reality versus fantasies, and so on.

We’ll see about all these. Who knows?

Today: Blogging Challenge from M – F (MTWThF)

Today (this very day), is one of the rare occasions where I allowed myself to be in the care of others as I usually just stay in front of my laptop writing or reading whatever I can.

After I went to the market to buy some groceries and fish, I came back and we exchanged stories (or maybe gossiped a little?) with Aunt Mary. (Sorry I was not able to take her picture. Just was not able to. What was I thinking?)

In this photo, I just breastfed my Denisse and she fell asleep. We’re at the balcony of (insert) Aunt Mary.

I have yet to listen to some teachings from an elder and that I am continually grateful for having some, if not many, of them who occasionally come to my aid whenever I needed help (emotional) the most.

Maundy, Not: Blogging Challenge from M – F (MTWThF)

I don’t usually command… (oh, wrong… mistake!)… Yes, I do! I give orders especially to my eldest child and I’m guilty for not being able to redo my routine and stop this bothersome habit of mine.

It maybe hard but I challenge myself to focus on action worthy for my son to emulate rather than give orders which may become his bane later on!

Recycling Empty Promises

“I will send it tomorrow.”

“I will finish it the soonest possible time then give it to the group.”

“Okay, just give me more time to do it.”

“Yes, tomorrow or on Saturday so I will have enough time to complete it.”

“By the way, can you reserve it for me? So that when I have the chance to go out, I will take it.”

So many promises and commitments. One after another until it becomes a mountain of chores.

I don’t like to flush anything away but I wish to break away from mediocrity and unfulfilled promises. So many empty containers to fill in and honestly I don’t have all the time in the world. Not this time, not ever that I’ve got to set my priorities in life so as to give attention to who or what really matters.

I know I’m deviating away from something which is supposed to be my topic but I just can’t help being lost in the mess I continually create leaving no space for completed tasks. If you were like me then you would know how this feels.

And I couldn’t agree more with this post I just read this morning. It hit me and yeah, I’ve gotta do it just like how it was said there. Enough said, I’m gonna screw this post and lead you to this post. Read until you finish.

By Cristian Mihai

Truth: Unmetered

Don’t let it out just yet.

Don’t let it out hastily.

Lay the groundwork, gather the nest.

In preparing your haven is safe.

And don’t be deceived. It will not always mean peace. People are evil, they are jealous. They are violent, loud and unbelieving.

As it may come out like a storm, you have to fortify your surroundings before deciding for some blow.

Choose your method, don’t be some fool. Don’t make a fun out of yourself.

Be tactful and wise.

Don’t hurt yourself. Pray before anything else.

In praying, all the best will come to you.

But in the end, truth will set you free.

ON BEING ABLE TO WALK

At almost 11 months, my daughter, Denisse, is able to walk! She can already take more than three steps, putting alternately her right foot and left foot forward.

I was amazed that my child has already reached this milestone and I could not help but be astonished at how my little one carries herself around the space where she can ambulate.

Being able to walk—is this just some ordinary event in our lives?

Just this year I was put or rather I put myself in a difficult position where I believe I literally was not able to walk properly. Thanks to the help of my sisters and parents who helped me regain the balance that I lost.

These recent events in my life led me to believe that how we walk signifies a lot about us. Walking properly means having a certain amount of physiological, mental, emotional and psychological wellbeing.

If possible we should never incapacitate ourselves with this ability even just once because losing it could mean a lifelong loss of confidence to walk the way we did before ever again.

Being able to walk is more than just an ordinary part of our lives and always taking the courage to do it properly is quiet challenging at times. Perhaps it is one of the things that we need to reevaluate and reexamine now and again in order to maintain the reputation that we wish to keep. Of course, all the other factors come along with it.

WAITING FOR TIME

Here in the dark. Waiting for time to drag me into the light. You whom I’ve been waiting for has become a variable, not a constant. I’m beginning to enjoy life on what it brings… Different days, different terms, different years… People. Me.

PRACTICING FOR LESS LIKE THIS

One of the worst things you can give to someone is not a smack or box in the face but the negativity that you would have otherwise left in your own musings.

The above picture is a photo of my profile picture change which I initiated a day before my period came and you would deduce that something unpleasant must have happened to me but in truth may not be that unpleasant as compared to what it really was. As ladies, you would be able to relate to how mood changes prior to the onset of this ‘thing’ dominate ones atmosphere.

But maybe each should try her best to keep in mind that what one does has a significant impact on other people most especially family and close acquaintances and it does not give a girl any right to shake other people’s peace of mind most especially during this trying times.

Therefore, I am imposing some self regulating behavior that would lessen this bothersome habit of mine. Just something that would inspire rather than give despair to others.

I hope I can influence you to do the same.

ANOTHER SOMETHING TO REMIND THE SELF: HOW MY ADING READ MY LIFE

Just today, I’ve collected another piece of myself preserved thru the scrapbook of my younger sister. How I forgot all about my dreams and aspirations. I thank my Dear God for bringing me yet again another precious keepsake. I harbored the scrapbook from my ading. I told her I wish to keep what she made back in her college days.

Sharing to you the pictures. Letters are faded. Pictures are blurred. But the memento comes to play some vivid essence in my heart.

FORGIVE ME FOR I HAVE SINNED

Nope! It’s just a cheat title but yeah has some significance to what I want to say. Just that I’ve been feeling down and not very optimistic over the past hours and so I was just trying to do what I have to do, encoding equations for my Math modules, browsing this and that in hope of bitsy bits. I was mindlessly reading my emails from top to bottom, middle to top, then down again and over and over, when I came across this blog article, Be Kind, Be Inspired, by a favorite local writer. The last part goes…

“Maybe if I knew music, I’d create. Or if I knew art, I’d Cezanne myself my own “Boy in the Red Vest”. But no. So I must write. I must revive the appetite for searching things which are beautiful and be compelled to imprint them in words. To remind myself that humanity is interesting and thus I ought to be kinder. And that every sunset is different from the one yesterday and that I ought to be inspired.”

It rekindled the small fire I always have within me which is every so often almost extinguished by my own windiness.

I need to remind myself over and over that I have already trudged the path I was so willing to take that looking back is not an option just yet. I have to get the answer for my quest of the unknown and that I have to go there, to the destination I so wanted to arrive at. Thus, I ought to be inspired to keep going whatever the odds may be.

And yes, I’m asking the self to forgive that other for always being the skeptic and cynic about almost everything.

So long for the end of this journey (if one gets what I mean, whatever that is).

P.S. That favorite local writer is also an aspiring baker. You may check her site at this address: http://www.yzagada.com.

How many more women are like her?

Shall we divulge to the world? She is not happy with her life right now, and will you believe it? I suppose she’s the one at fault for choosing all the wrong things at the wrong times.

She complains. A lot! Why is she doing all the house chores when she should be in her desk just writing her life away… Away from the world, from the hustles of the city.

But what can she do? She is a mother of three kids. Did she make the wrong decision of marrying at a young age and not being able to realize her dreams before being exposed to the hazards of a married life, of an adult life?

Something was amiss and still is to these days but even she knew it all along. The time passes, the years go by. One by one, as she sat there, frozen. Frozen to her own musings, lamentations, and reflections. ‘What if’ was not the word she chose. Instead, she fancied all good books, the lore and the stories of the world.

Nobody understood. Nobody cared. Or maybe she maintains it that way even if there were people who knew. Putting a distance to whoever wishes to poke into her mind, her world, her uncertainties.

Was she just too weak and ignorant to be trying something to fix her life? She has no answer to that. She just prays, and prayerful as she is she finds solace into the things that she asks. ‘Just a pen and some paper’ would do. That was the answer to all her prayers.

And on and on she goes, into the deep… Into the thoughts of the messed up mind. She discovers the complexity of her simplicity or the other way around.

How many more could be like her? She wonders…

What is there to hesitate about?

I just realized how unready I am to share my thoughts to the world. The constant battle of my ideal side with my unorganized, messed up, and sulky self leads up to my indecisiveness. And although I know what to write about, I come up with nothing but deleted drafts and unpublished posts. I thought I was ready to take on this newfound hobby but there is more to recognize than just the lack of talent or skill.

You have to have the willingness to share whatever you have with your readers. Otherwise you won’t have anything to write about. One should be diligent enough to walk someone thru something. If not, be open and honest to feelings and thoughts. It really is terrible to show up and have nothing to say. Still the courage to show up is admirable. And I have to at least congratulate myself for doing so. Okay, yes, I know, I know, that we should not perceive this as a chore at all so as not to scare any inspiration away but I already chose this so what is there to hesitate about?

Amidst this pandemic they cry, “Let us out! Let us out!”

Amidst this pandemic they cry, “Let us out! Let us out!” They are pleading. And I could not contain them anymore. It seems out of place to be writing these but maybe not. My thoughts keep screaming like they would explode if not put into paper. One by one, let us try:

  • I was wondering, what if the most dreadful thing happens to me? Then I will have failed to have “My Kind of Math” completed. I’ve always been crafting something about this something which I have not yet started with something either way. So I will have to find a way in order to realize my life project. Though frustrated every time… My children whining for my attention. Students works which need marking and reading. Household chores that keeps bothering me. I have to plan it out the soonest!  
  • Writing is my thing! I just know it is! I know I’m not good enough, not yet. I still struggle for words, I lack the discipline. Still a novice, an amateur. I did not even enroll in a program about writing when I was in college. But I am! I am! I will find my way to show it.
  • Why is it that everytime I try to pen my thoughts, they escape me and I couldn’t seem to have them back. If not they are already jumbled and I could never seem to put them back together. Sitting here right now, I’m earnestly trying to word exactly what I thought I’d wish to write. But try as I may, I still get the words different compared to how I originally phrased them in my mind. But I will have to try and put them back. Like a paper in shreds which needs to be pasted together. I will be able to do it!

And now they’re out and about… “No more screaming,” I say to them. One by one they will come out. And they will have to queue as I need to figure out how to lay them out into the open. Because amidst this pandemic my thoughts cry, and I decided to let them out.

Zerlin’s Post Quarantine Resolutions

Zerlin has many selves. In this post will be the Zerlin’s teacher self. So below are her resolutions after this quarantine.

Zerlin’s Post-Quarantine Resolutions:

  • Give students the Zerlin’s ebook for the subject. Purpose: to have some sort of module just in case things like this happen again.
  • Plan lessons not for the sake of compliance but for the sake of “because it is what needs to be done.”
  • Discuss with, teach, talk to, not nag at, smile at, appreciate, motivate, listen to students whenever chance permits.
  • Dress.
  • Kilay.
  • Bring back passion in teaching.

We only live once. As this pandemic is making us realize. I do what I want to do. I’ll post what I need to post. If ever He calls me, at least I’ve said a little of what I hope for after all of these.

P.S. :

I live to see
Miracles everyday
I live today
Like I did yesterday

Yet my faith is shaky
And my heart feels empty
Now my eyes are puffy
When will I trust in Thee?

DOWN WITH THREE

I’m down with three priorities in life:
• To stay alive out of good diet;
• To be able to save money for the future (or at least be debt free); and
• To give love to my family.

It’s safe for you to assume, I’ve had enough.

Of Filial Piety

I already know something about filial piety. I know as well you already know this. But I have come to understand something more about it.

I recently got into some trouble. A scandal. Financial scandal, if you ask me. During those days I prayed very hard. And very hard that I almost always cried whenever I had the chance to hide from questioning eyes. I prayed again. I asked God for miracles. I know that my faith is very little, but I said to myself, at least I still have that little.

I prayed and prayed. I did nothing in particular. Just this, praying. I held on to the teachings I heard about faith. About God doing impossible things. I held on to that. There’s nothing more to do. I surrendered my soul to Him.

My prayers were answered!

You guess how it happened!

I have come to believe that God’s love is shown to us through our parents. The unconditional love they give to us is God loving us. Who else will go to your rescue if not them? Who else will help us if not God? They are the very symbol of God’s love for us. And so I say this unashamedly and it is now coming from me…

“Let us show love to our parents. Let us give our compassion to them. Let us respect them and listen to their words. A fool is someone who does not obey his/her parents. No parent will wish for his/her child’s ruin.”

Dad, live longer so you may see… Mama as well…

P.S. I love you, Daddy. And Mama…

Søren Kierkegaard

I have not actually read the works of this profound and prolific writer. And I am not here to write a book review either. I just feel inspired by this “buddy.” Something about his biography hooked me up to his being. What I know I did to know him was move my eyes from top to bottom of every page of the book I borrowed from the library. I even forgot how the editor described him. I can only imagine it. My whole being revived just indulging from an old book.

I am not a philosopher either. Not even a writer or a poet or anything near him. I’m just here in awe of his writings and all the things he believes in. And how he withstood all the ridicule thrown at his back and everything he experienced back in his lifetime. He suffered I know. And others would have done better. But who knows who ridiculed who? Even now that he was gone he knew better…

One cannot understand another far too quickly as that would be like marrying someone you just met but I could say I have done so otherwise and if this is a bold statement then I will reserve a piece of my time in the future to come review this when I will say otherwise of what I was standing here for right now.

As I struggled to switch between the book and the dictionary, I knew I read a good stuff in my lifetime.

Why I am writing this and how I got the courage to do so, I do not know. His name just popped out in my head and I was prompted to write something. Just something for him. In return for reviving my dead appetite. May your soul rest in peace, my friend from the other side of the world…

P.S. I came to know the name, Soren Kierkegaard, as I was searching for good books regarding ethics. I wish to give my thanks to Sir Leomel Pasquin for recommending such good reads to me.

And I recite, “The Lord is my shepherd…”

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the LORD Forever.

An Open Letter to My Siblings, and My Family

You know how my situation is right now. And I could only feel that you are burdened as well by my circumstances. I hope that you will be more patient as I keep on asking for your help and support. I’ve been talking to God everyday for the past weeks and everytime, He answers through you. With all these that I am going through, I have come to terms to the things that are “must-be’s” in this life. Of being down to earth, and being Godly, meek and kind, and gentle. And never extravagant with finances and promises. I am not promising anything but someday I know what I will do. I won’t be ashamed to say this, “I love you all. And I hope you will be able to bear with me until I overcome or be able to solve these incongruities in my system.” Hope to see you all the soonest available break.

Conversations Paused, Then Continued: Them “Mark” and “Colline,” From STEM 11 W 2017-2018

I was havin’ a real hard time synthesizing all the things happening to me these days when suddenly these students appear!

They were my students in Basic Calculus back in 2018 and I remember having long, honest, animated conversations, discussion with them. They, and few more from their section, were a set of scholarly and bright and intelligent, also passionate and diligent students. They would always impart their learnings and insights and unbeknownst them had a very great impact on me. They would not even hesitate to give encouragement to my dreams and suggestions to my problems (ako na teacher, ako pa ininspire). Of course, “Math” and “Science” would always be the main inspiration of the long talks. Or maybe, madaldal sila, madaldal dn ako, o palibhasa, ganun lng talaga chemistry ko sa kanila or nila sa kanilang teachers or sa kanilang nakakasalamuha. For that here’s for the two of them: “I could only wish for your continued interest in your passion. May your fire continue to blaze amidst the struggles that life is throwing you. May you be able to overcome all the difficulties of the path that you have chosen so you may find the entrance that you are looking for. Continue dreaming! And never stop believing! Because I know that you have so much more to give out to this human race and to this beautiful world that we live in.” See you when I see you!!!

Of Huts and Shadows

When I was young, I dreamt of fancy things, like a couch, a fancy living room, a glamorous lifestyle, and so on. And I just sigh, I don’t know why. Fast forward to these days, I delight whenever I see posts on FB that include pictures of my hometown. The old huts, the rather small houses, the unkempt children, bring me unsolicited comfort plus the memories of my childhood. Now I dream of going back to those days. No money problems, no fats, no stress. But I wouldn’t dream of fancy things anymore. Just simple living would do.

We have to be broke to blog (or maybe, vlog?)

I am not actually good at writing but it does not necessarily mean that I could not write or should not write or will not write. And literally who doesn’t know how to write, right? One could just hold a pen or ballpen then put it on top of a paper, move the hands, then that’s it! As they say everyone has something to say so here’s my story.

I recently acquired a huge amount of financial debt and as of writing time I am being bombarded by phone calls (some are robocalls) from lending companies. I will not mention how large the amount is. Just know that it is a large sum so in order to extinguish the debt I have to really work hard in obtaining “a lot of money.” Else I might file for bankruptcy. It is worth mentioning how these companies operate. They urge you to “pay your debt so you could reloan for a higher amount.” It goes without saying, higher amount, higher interest. Honestly, they are like asking for a pay raise. Some would threaten to bring an NBI agent to your home. And much as I want to laugh, I am not in any position to do so knowing that I am in a bind. Their words come like, “Madali lang naman gawan yan ng paraan eh, mangutang ka sa mga kakilala mo tapos magrereloan ka din naman pagkatapos mo magbayad.” I can’t burst with rage because I know it’s not the solution to this mess. They may shoot me for ranting here but I think I have paid enough right to bluster. As for how my situation ended up like this would be another story to cover.

I put aside all my “kemeruts” so I took my first bold step and joined a company where I could acquire “a lot of money” that I was aiming at. But as they say again, there is no overnight success and we have to work it out for results to happen. I sold products in an attempt to gain profit. I also unashamedly joined a crowdfunding program to acquire funds for debt payment. But I knew it was a futile attempt. I tried many ways just to cover my dues-borrowing from colleagues, family and friends. I even advanced one and a half month portion of my salary just to pay any amount I could.

Finally, I am here writing. And I never imagined “this” to be one of my topics. I actually launched this site for quite some time already. I just didn’t have enough motivation to start anything. It is only now that I consider continuing writing on this site. I don’t expect to earn here either. It’s just that I think it’s high time for someone like me to be heard as well. “I may not earn but someone else would learn.”

I can’t say enough even though I said that much already.

I have to be broke to blog.

Check back for more articles! Thanks for reading!

Why I Launched This Site

I launched this site, basically, because of some reason I am not telling anyone. Another is I want a page where I could publish my articles (just anything about anything). And since I teach, I will use this for whatever necessary purpose it may serve my students. So if you are here, just browse around and enjoy!

At the Junction

I was born and was raised. I crawled then I walked. And I walked on my own. I danced. I sang. I did many things. I reasoned out. I won and I lost. I tried many things. I lived! I dreamt of things! I had my passion! I shared. I was given. I had friends. My heart broke. I hurt others. Just like any other being, I had my aspirations. I imagined myself like someone whom I wanted to become. I travelled. I wandered and wondered! And time came, I reached the end. I was on edge. Or maybe, I just arrived at the junction… And at this junction starts a new journey!

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