Please allow me to write this post. Ignore the redundancies as I will be saying quite a lot of similar words or phrases over and over.
Few years back (2013) I remember how I asked rather desperately for a teaching job. Back then, I recall how I promised lots of things the moment I landed a job at a university. I begged Him to give me that position and I will do everything in order to secure it and keep it.
I knew how it felt to be cast away from something you always wanted. I was not given a second chance for the job I had back then. I know that was the reality of it all and I shouldn’t take anything personally. I know that full well. I believe I was so young and innocent back then about almost everything that I almost didn’t know anything about what I was doing. And so I really did promise myself that once I secured the position I was applying for back in 2013, I will do my job very very well. With passion, with all that I have, my expertise, any good quality I possess that I could capitalize on…
And for God’s grace, I got the position! I became the happiest ‘child’ on earth. I immediately went shopping for formal clothes, studied really diligently the history of the school, I consulted dictionaries, googled things I wished to understand more, and so on. I went to the final interview and I felt very good with all the compliments I got from Ma’am Nene. The school became my ‘therapy’ and I genuinely felt very happy everytime I entered the university.
Then again, major events continue to change our lives.
Year 2016 came second baby boy.
Fast forward to 2019 came baby girl.
In a matter of few years I became a mother of three.
Then life hits hard at times that I just wish to run away from everything, from work, from adulthood, from financial obligations, save being a full time mom for my baby (and her older siblings). I know, I know, I know. I know that these are all part of life but still, I feel very emotional at times. I would shout at home, throw tantrums, become really violent, and so much more to mention.
I went through a rough cycle of this and that. Only I knew what I was feeling.
But God is so gracious that I was continually pulled back from oblivion to the path of life.
Everytime I forgot, He makes me remember.
Everytime my feet diverge away from the right way, He modifies my formula.
And everytime I wish to run away from everything, He knows just what to do.
Now, I am regenerating, if not renewing, my enthusiasm that I had from the years back and I think it is high time I really lift all my worries to Him.
He alone can solve all our troubles.
He alone can make our problems go away.
I will remember all the promises I’ve sworn to myself during those times I was asking for ‘that’ position in the university I am working now. I really really need to feel that ‘something’ which I’ve always felt during my earlier years in the school.
Let me remind myself that I love my job ( I really do) and nothing could stop me from doing so. Not the demons of these times. Not my hubby, not my children, not my indulgence on the easier things, not my self-proclaimed what-you-may-call-it, etc.
I will revisit the child in me and bask in the pureness of her motives during the times she was just that and just dreaming.
I will renew what needs to be, regenerate what may have been lost, and remember all the promises I’ve said to myself to keep.